My SP life has been full of surprises! I am still not sure this one is true, but I think when I took my shower today all the water drained out when I was done! I always sit in the shower and let the water flow over me to relax and unwind. When I am done there is always a lake of water behind me still to drain out and when I stand up a flash flood occurs in my home everyday. You have never seen water move so fast! No butt dam today though!! This was not on my list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight. Never thought of this one. I'll take it though. I just have to be sure to pay more attention tomorrow. Will let you know if my observation was correct or a fluke. Maybe all that walking is reducing the spread of my Hoover lol!!
A
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Honeymoon is Over
Today marks the end of my first month on SP. I update my ticker on Saturdays so yesterday my scale showed a loss of 15.2 pounds. Yes, of course I am psyched but the first month is always easy. That's when motivation is highest and the weight loss is most dramatic. Believe me, I know. I have been on pills, potions, and believed the purveyors of impossible promises for many years. There is always some secret ingredient or magic combination that someone has recently discovered to assist the masses with their masses. I have noticed this week that my excitement has dwindled. I am still on program, but it is not as fun as it was at first. It is funny how the mind and body combine to work against the new and exciting to make it just ho hum after a while.
I know I will have to fight this to succeed in this long journey. I will have to find ways to bring back the thrill, to celebrate the little victories that will finally add up to a healthier me.
I am worth the work, the effort, the pain. I have to keep on track, on target. Yes, it is hard. Name something worthwhile that doesn't take working at it, my marriage for example. That is the one thing in my life that I've started that by the grace of God, I will complete. My weight loss goal will be the second. And like my marriage it will be hard, but the rewards will be surprising, not easily seen from the outside, and lasting.
The honeymoon is over, now comes the hard part.
A
I know I will have to fight this to succeed in this long journey. I will have to find ways to bring back the thrill, to celebrate the little victories that will finally add up to a healthier me.
I am worth the work, the effort, the pain. I have to keep on track, on target. Yes, it is hard. Name something worthwhile that doesn't take working at it, my marriage for example. That is the one thing in my life that I've started that by the grace of God, I will complete. My weight loss goal will be the second. And like my marriage it will be hard, but the rewards will be surprising, not easily seen from the outside, and lasting.
The honeymoon is over, now comes the hard part.
A
Saturday, July 14, 2007
The Thrill of Victory
I know that most experts recommend you NOT weigh everyday because of hormones, water fluctuation, etc. When I am "dieting" though, I am obsessed with the scale. I can ignore it for months when I am not on a plan, but otherwise that baby calls me like I'm its mama. And I respond SEVERAL times a day. This has its good points and bad points. I really only count the morning weigh in measured nude, bone dry, sans glasses and jewelry. If I am down that morning, it motivates me to be "good". If I am up, it also motivates me to be "good", but it also plays with my mind which says "See! you cannot do this, never have never will" and I lose my resolve believing the evil thoughts. For instance, yesterday when I weighed, the bad boy showed a gain of 2.8 pounds from the day before. I had being doing everything right. Logging my food, staying within my calories with the exception of going very slightly over the day before, and walking a mile daily since 7/10/07. How in the world was it possible that I could be almost 3 pounds heavier than the day before? Right then, I did something I have never done before. I asked for help. I promptly posted my dilemma and Coach Jen responded by saying since I had not exercised previous to 7/10/07 it was very likely I was retaining water for muscle repair. I was skeptical, but since she is an expert and I am not, I decided to give Coach Jen the benefit of a doubt and myself and the bad boy a break and not pound either of us into a bloody pulp for the gain showed. That was victory #1 for yesterday. It was two-fold I guess, but I'll count it as one.
The next victory came that night when after sharing 2 pieces of pizza with my husband, the chips and queso started calling me. I responded by going to the refrigerator to check on the Cheez Whiz and I couldn't find it. I looked and looked and I finally spotted it, but by this time my senses kicked in and I realized that I was not hungry. Why eat when I am not hungry? Weird thought. I always eat, hungry or not. If I want it, I eat it PERIOD. Well, this was new for me too. Listening to my body and paying attention to it to overcome a mindless automatic response. Victory #2. The only thing is when I was ready for a snack, I STILL wanted the queso and chips!! And boy did I struggle. If I caved I would probably go over on my calories as there was little hope that I could stop with 2 tbsp of Cheez Whiz and 14 chips. I was really low on salsa, but that wouldn't stop me. It would just be more cheese and less salsa, no problem there. And the problem lay not only in the willpower to stick to an appropriate serving, but that the sodium would help me to hold onto all that water that Coach Jen told me I was hanging on to. I did not want to face the scale in the morning, knowing I could avoid a bad experience by avoiding the sodium. So again, I did something I have never done before. I found a healthy substitute. Sure, I still wanted what I wanted but I chose something I wanted even more. A healthier me. And the carrots and spicy mustard were crunchy and spicy, just what the doctor ordered. Oh, and the bad boy? He was good to me this morning. I am down exactly 5 pounds from yesterday.
I have to post my Monday weight for my challenge group and even though it might not show a victory in my numbers, I know that if I continue to be good to myself, the numbers will fall into line. Besides I am learning I am much more than a number!!
A
The next victory came that night when after sharing 2 pieces of pizza with my husband, the chips and queso started calling me. I responded by going to the refrigerator to check on the Cheez Whiz and I couldn't find it. I looked and looked and I finally spotted it, but by this time my senses kicked in and I realized that I was not hungry. Why eat when I am not hungry? Weird thought. I always eat, hungry or not. If I want it, I eat it PERIOD. Well, this was new for me too. Listening to my body and paying attention to it to overcome a mindless automatic response. Victory #2. The only thing is when I was ready for a snack, I STILL wanted the queso and chips!! And boy did I struggle. If I caved I would probably go over on my calories as there was little hope that I could stop with 2 tbsp of Cheez Whiz and 14 chips. I was really low on salsa, but that wouldn't stop me. It would just be more cheese and less salsa, no problem there. And the problem lay not only in the willpower to stick to an appropriate serving, but that the sodium would help me to hold onto all that water that Coach Jen told me I was hanging on to. I did not want to face the scale in the morning, knowing I could avoid a bad experience by avoiding the sodium. So again, I did something I have never done before. I found a healthy substitute. Sure, I still wanted what I wanted but I chose something I wanted even more. A healthier me. And the carrots and spicy mustard were crunchy and spicy, just what the doctor ordered. Oh, and the bad boy? He was good to me this morning. I am down exactly 5 pounds from yesterday.
I have to post my Monday weight for my challenge group and even though it might not show a victory in my numbers, I know that if I continue to be good to myself, the numbers will fall into line. Besides I am learning I am much more than a number!!
A
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Good News/Bad News
The good news is we haven't been to the ER since Friday night! WOO HOO! More blood work in the AM though.
The bad news is I need a new scale. Now it is hovering between 220 and 230 and of course there is no possible way that is anywhere near accurate as much as I want it to be. Even as well as I'm doing sticking to healthy choices and 5 of 7 days within my calorie range (the other 2 days were 1666 and 1768) even I know it is time to get another scale. I am so bummed! Now, even if I have lost this week I don't know how much and even worse, I don't know what my starting point was. I'll have to get over it. Don't want to throw a wrench in everything with something that is truly trivial in the long run.
Back to good news! I got batteries and BP is a little elevated but that is because I stopped taking one of my meds. It started making me feel really weird a while ago and since I've stopped taking it the elevation is not significant 130-140/70-80ish. I could only take the Terazosin at night because of the weirdness but decided to stop when I woke up to go the the BR and had to support myself against the wall to get there. My sugars aren't too bad either. I need to get them down about 30 points before breakfast, but the weight loss should take care of that. Cardio should help too and my plan is to start that tomorrow. The lady downstairs is gonna love me! I got a walking DVD but it is basically marching in place, so she's going to think a herd of elephants is invading. I could walk outside, but I don't have the confidence or stamina that I think I need to accomplish what I want to do and know I'll have to break up my 60 minutes a day into 10, 20, or 30 minute sessions at first. Besides, I can't use weather as an excuse with a DVD!
The bad news is I need a new scale. Now it is hovering between 220 and 230 and of course there is no possible way that is anywhere near accurate as much as I want it to be. Even as well as I'm doing sticking to healthy choices and 5 of 7 days within my calorie range (the other 2 days were 1666 and 1768) even I know it is time to get another scale. I am so bummed! Now, even if I have lost this week I don't know how much and even worse, I don't know what my starting point was. I'll have to get over it. Don't want to throw a wrench in everything with something that is truly trivial in the long run.
Back to good news! I got batteries and BP is a little elevated but that is because I stopped taking one of my meds. It started making me feel really weird a while ago and since I've stopped taking it the elevation is not significant 130-140/70-80ish. I could only take the Terazosin at night because of the weirdness but decided to stop when I woke up to go the the BR and had to support myself against the wall to get there. My sugars aren't too bad either. I need to get them down about 30 points before breakfast, but the weight loss should take care of that. Cardio should help too and my plan is to start that tomorrow. The lady downstairs is gonna love me! I got a walking DVD but it is basically marching in place, so she's going to think a herd of elephants is invading. I could walk outside, but I don't have the confidence or stamina that I think I need to accomplish what I want to do and know I'll have to break up my 60 minutes a day into 10, 20, or 30 minute sessions at first. Besides, I can't use weather as an excuse with a DVD!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Discovery/Health
Through another blog, "Sister Skinny", I discovered SparkPeople.com a FREE website devoted to health and fitness. It is going to help me change my life.
I'm doing well (so far) on my new program. I just need to get some
supplements for some missing minerals and begin exercising. I bought a scale @ Walmart for 5.97 thinking it wouldn't matter a scale is a scale right. When I weighed-in a week ago I was @ 260 (which is not my highest BTW) and weighing daily since then (I know, I know) the darn thing did not move. So this morning I hopped on and the idiot scale hovered metronome-like between 240 & 250. At least it is showing a loss -- WOO HOO!! MOTIVATION!! We got home late last night (from the ER) and feeling the effects of my sugar being kinda low and I was craving a baked potato. But first I input my supper of 2 slices of pepperoni pizza into my nutrition tracker and found I did not have enough calories for a baked potato, so unbelievably, I nuked 1/2 a bag of frozen stir fry vegetables, added a slice of cheese, and resisted anymore snacking while we watched a DVD. WOO HOO! I know the first week is always the easiest as far as motivation and pounds lost. I just have to buckle down and do what I gotta do for a change, but the Spark website is a real help for accountability and really advocates taking baby steps in my journey. Maybe the folks at home won't recognize me next time they see me AND maybe I can take Mom and Pepper up on a walk!! I am seeing improvement with energy level and other issues like my knees, back, incontinence, and the scale doesn't feel like it will cave in when I step on it (I would add an lol here if it weren't true) and as soon as I get batteries I can see if there is an improvement with my blood pressure and blood sugar levels as well.
As I mentioned above Z was in the ER again last night. Everything is on the mend, but he was summoned to the dr. Thursday after his first blood work came back high, given a prescription for more oral Vitamin K, and orders for blood work 6/29, 6/30, and 7/1. I called the office a couple of times to get his levels and find out where in the heck he can test on Sunday (the great lady that drew his lab work was the one that told us the order was for all weekend) and the results weren't back yet as of 4:45, but I was assured if there was a problem the lab would page the dr.
Sure enough, Z gets a call @ 8:45 last night to go to the ER with levels higher than we have seen so far, but not the dramatic stuff from last weekend (peeing blood and hemorrhaging skin). We registered and waited and while waiting, Z asked me to snuggle close because he felt one of his seizures coming on. The nurse called him in for blood work and he seemed ok walking over so I stayed put in the waiting room. Then there was all sorts of activity I could only half see and couldn't see Z at all and the next thing I knew they were wheeling him down the hall. I quickly grabbed our stuff and asked registration if I could go with them and barely made it through the closing automatic door.
Apparently sitting down with the nurse was the last moment of
functionality before the seizure hit, so he couldn't respond to her
questions and she didn't know I was out in the waiting room. He was on the way to recovering though in the minute it took to get him to the room, but was he was still having problems moving and communicating and was still not fully recovered by the time the dr saw him. I gave his history to everyone and the dr. ordered a CT scan just to make sure there was no brain hemorrhage (no) and of course his blood work for the med levels. He had another episode in the x-ray room and of course I was not with him, but after all was said and done all is well and we got instructions for the
rest of the weekend -no meds until tomorrow and test first thing Monday. Like idiots we trusted the drs. knew what they were doing when they told him to go from 5mgs to 7.5 mgs. I'm going to have to sit down and think about the time line for all this stuff and log it somewhere for his history. Needless to say, we are kinda tired of being in the ER every weekend, but praise God! he has a new dr. who is on top of things and this dr. and hospital are much closer than where we were going. BTW the episodes are stress related if I hadn't told you that before. I told all the medical personnel he hadn't had one since his dad's funeral, but remembered later he did have a mini episode when we went to Golden Corral for my "can't decide what I want" dinner around my birthday. The seizure and after-effects were very, very mild that day though and this happened days before he finally consented to go to urgent care on 5/31 after a month of swollen, purple feet and swollen, numb right leg and sent to the ER where his blood clot was diagnosed. In fact, up until last night they had all been mild as opposed to when they started in 2000. Anyway as of now, I don't think we will be in the ER tomorrow.
Scale update - it is crap and I have to get a new one. Now it is hovering between 220 & 240. I know I have been doing well sticking to my calorie limit and making wiser/healthier food choices, but come on! If my scale is right I've lost 40 lbs. this week. Oo! Oo! Maybe I should write the company a testimonial and be their spokesperson/tv personality. WOO HOO! Income!
Well, off to bed now to meet my SparkGoal of 8 hours of sleep in which I will dream of being the next celebrity spokes model for Crummy Scale Co.
A
I'm doing well (so far) on my new program. I just need to get some
supplements for some missing minerals and begin exercising. I bought a scale @ Walmart for 5.97 thinking it wouldn't matter a scale is a scale right. When I weighed-in a week ago I was @ 260 (which is not my highest BTW) and weighing daily since then (I know, I know) the darn thing did not move. So this morning I hopped on and the idiot scale hovered metronome-like between 240 & 250. At least it is showing a loss -- WOO HOO!! MOTIVATION!! We got home late last night (from the ER) and feeling the effects of my sugar being kinda low and I was craving a baked potato. But first I input my supper of 2 slices of pepperoni pizza into my nutrition tracker and found I did not have enough calories for a baked potato, so unbelievably, I nuked 1/2 a bag of frozen stir fry vegetables, added a slice of cheese, and resisted anymore snacking while we watched a DVD. WOO HOO! I know the first week is always the easiest as far as motivation and pounds lost. I just have to buckle down and do what I gotta do for a change, but the Spark website is a real help for accountability and really advocates taking baby steps in my journey. Maybe the folks at home won't recognize me next time they see me AND maybe I can take Mom and Pepper up on a walk!! I am seeing improvement with energy level and other issues like my knees, back, incontinence, and the scale doesn't feel like it will cave in when I step on it (I would add an lol here if it weren't true) and as soon as I get batteries I can see if there is an improvement with my blood pressure and blood sugar levels as well.
As I mentioned above Z was in the ER again last night. Everything is on the mend, but he was summoned to the dr. Thursday after his first blood work came back high, given a prescription for more oral Vitamin K, and orders for blood work 6/29, 6/30, and 7/1. I called the office a couple of times to get his levels and find out where in the heck he can test on Sunday (the great lady that drew his lab work was the one that told us the order was for all weekend) and the results weren't back yet as of 4:45, but I was assured if there was a problem the lab would page the dr.
Sure enough, Z gets a call @ 8:45 last night to go to the ER with levels higher than we have seen so far, but not the dramatic stuff from last weekend (peeing blood and hemorrhaging skin). We registered and waited and while waiting, Z asked me to snuggle close because he felt one of his seizures coming on. The nurse called him in for blood work and he seemed ok walking over so I stayed put in the waiting room. Then there was all sorts of activity I could only half see and couldn't see Z at all and the next thing I knew they were wheeling him down the hall. I quickly grabbed our stuff and asked registration if I could go with them and barely made it through the closing automatic door.
Apparently sitting down with the nurse was the last moment of
functionality before the seizure hit, so he couldn't respond to her
questions and she didn't know I was out in the waiting room. He was on the way to recovering though in the minute it took to get him to the room, but was he was still having problems moving and communicating and was still not fully recovered by the time the dr saw him. I gave his history to everyone and the dr. ordered a CT scan just to make sure there was no brain hemorrhage (no) and of course his blood work for the med levels. He had another episode in the x-ray room and of course I was not with him, but after all was said and done all is well and we got instructions for the
rest of the weekend -no meds until tomorrow and test first thing Monday. Like idiots we trusted the drs. knew what they were doing when they told him to go from 5mgs to 7.5 mgs. I'm going to have to sit down and think about the time line for all this stuff and log it somewhere for his history. Needless to say, we are kinda tired of being in the ER every weekend, but praise God! he has a new dr. who is on top of things and this dr. and hospital are much closer than where we were going. BTW the episodes are stress related if I hadn't told you that before. I told all the medical personnel he hadn't had one since his dad's funeral, but remembered later he did have a mini episode when we went to Golden Corral for my "can't decide what I want" dinner around my birthday. The seizure and after-effects were very, very mild that day though and this happened days before he finally consented to go to urgent care on 5/31 after a month of swollen, purple feet and swollen, numb right leg and sent to the ER where his blood clot was diagnosed. In fact, up until last night they had all been mild as opposed to when they started in 2000. Anyway as of now, I don't think we will be in the ER tomorrow.
Scale update - it is crap and I have to get a new one. Now it is hovering between 220 & 240. I know I have been doing well sticking to my calorie limit and making wiser/healthier food choices, but come on! If my scale is right I've lost 40 lbs. this week. Oo! Oo! Maybe I should write the company a testimonial and be their spokesperson/tv personality. WOO HOO! Income!
Well, off to bed now to meet my SparkGoal of 8 hours of sleep in which I will dream of being the next celebrity spokes model for Crummy Scale Co.
A
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
WTF
My daughter does not allow anonymous comments posted on her blog!
My husband has another blood clot in his leg!
The shut-in lady at church was evicted anyway, after I overnighted half of what she owed in time (anonymously and it was all I had). Couldn't anyone else step up?!
The tickets on discount movie nights (Tuesday) are $1.75. Last week it was $1.00 and before that it was $1.50!
WTF!!
A
My husband has another blood clot in his leg!
The shut-in lady at church was evicted anyway, after I overnighted half of what she owed in time (anonymously and it was all I had). Couldn't anyone else step up?!
The tickets on discount movie nights (Tuesday) are $1.75. Last week it was $1.00 and before that it was $1.50!
WTF!!
A
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The Knot and Josh Groban
Z and I were getting ready to go...to Ohio...for at least six months, so for the second time in a year I was leaving our MN...only this time we would be almost 900 miles away.
My innards had balled into a fist that felt like it was hanging on for dear life. A hard, clenched, hurting mass that I had no control over, could not will away or even ease the extreme discomfort. "Is this what anxiety feels like?", I asked.
We went about our preparations, running errands, dropping off payments. When all the business was taken care of we ate and Z wanted to see a movie. I thought eating might make the fist ease up, but it didn't.
MN had declined an invitation to go with us to the movie as she had made plans with friends. I really wanted to spend every waking moment left of our time with her, but I understood. We didn't make it to the movie though as I still had that unshakable, ungodly knot in my stomach.
We wound up returning home and I took the opportunity to do some chores around the house, laundry and such. As I was headed down the hall, I noticed MN's door was closed, which is rare if she is not home. Concerned that she was not feeling well or that plans with friends had gone awry, I flipped on the hall light and quietly opened her door to check. In the darkness I could make out the form of a person facing me. As my eyes adjusted, I could see MN's SO standing stock still, staring at me, not knowing what to do having just been caught by THE MOM.
I sort of just stood there myself, thinking of what I was going to say, when it occurred to me... I do not recognize this man... who was in this room... with my daughter!
I then did what any protective mother would do. I slammed the door shut, ran down the hallway, SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY for her father.
"THERE'S SOMEONE IN MN'S ROOM!"
"WHAT?!"
"THERE'S A MAN IN MN'S ROOM!!!", louder with more feeling.
Z goes down the hall, opens the door to the room, and flipped on the light, not knowing who or what he will find... only that his wife is witless about someone in his daughter's room.
Then he sees... the room is empty save for a life-sized cardboard cut out of Josh Groban, facing the door beside MN's empty bed.
He laughs with relief and then tries to comfort me... but it takes a while. I CANNOT STOP SCREAMING, and it gets worse before it gets better. Finally, the tidal wave of emotion recedes.
It's funny in the retelling, but it was not funny living it. When relating the story to my mom the next day (who's had a similar anxiety about my leaving for Ohio), I drew the conclusion that God must have been trying to tell me that even though we cannot be there to take care of MN, He is able to. It hit home for my mom as well.
One more thing I learned that night... hysterics caused by a life-sized cutout of Josh Groban in your daughter's room significantly reduces the impact of a knot in your stomach...
Priceless.
A
My innards had balled into a fist that felt like it was hanging on for dear life. A hard, clenched, hurting mass that I had no control over, could not will away or even ease the extreme discomfort. "Is this what anxiety feels like?", I asked.
We went about our preparations, running errands, dropping off payments. When all the business was taken care of we ate and Z wanted to see a movie. I thought eating might make the fist ease up, but it didn't.
MN had declined an invitation to go with us to the movie as she had made plans with friends. I really wanted to spend every waking moment left of our time with her, but I understood. We didn't make it to the movie though as I still had that unshakable, ungodly knot in my stomach.
We wound up returning home and I took the opportunity to do some chores around the house, laundry and such. As I was headed down the hall, I noticed MN's door was closed, which is rare if she is not home. Concerned that she was not feeling well or that plans with friends had gone awry, I flipped on the hall light and quietly opened her door to check. In the darkness I could make out the form of a person facing me. As my eyes adjusted, I could see MN's SO standing stock still, staring at me, not knowing what to do having just been caught by THE MOM.
I sort of just stood there myself, thinking of what I was going to say, when it occurred to me... I do not recognize this man... who was in this room... with my daughter!
I then did what any protective mother would do. I slammed the door shut, ran down the hallway, SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY for her father.
"THERE'S SOMEONE IN MN'S ROOM!"
"WHAT?!"
"THERE'S A MAN IN MN'S ROOM!!!", louder with more feeling.
Z goes down the hall, opens the door to the room, and flipped on the light, not knowing who or what he will find... only that his wife is witless about someone in his daughter's room.
Then he sees... the room is empty save for a life-sized cardboard cut out of Josh Groban, facing the door beside MN's empty bed.
He laughs with relief and then tries to comfort me... but it takes a while. I CANNOT STOP SCREAMING, and it gets worse before it gets better. Finally, the tidal wave of emotion recedes.
It's funny in the retelling, but it was not funny living it. When relating the story to my mom the next day (who's had a similar anxiety about my leaving for Ohio), I drew the conclusion that God must have been trying to tell me that even though we cannot be there to take care of MN, He is able to. It hit home for my mom as well.
One more thing I learned that night... hysterics caused by a life-sized cutout of Josh Groban in your daughter's room significantly reduces the impact of a knot in your stomach...
Priceless.
A
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Name
No silly, not Franklin Graham's book. Although it was a pretty good book, especially when you consider I purchased it for 50 cents at the overpriced book resellers.
The Name of the blog. All is explained (o k not all. There would be no reason to continue to blog if all was explained here and now and that would defeat the whole purpose I had in finally caving to blogging in the first place.). (Sorry, I got carried away.) Why am I apologizing!! It's my blog! My mom has recently brought to my attention that I apologize for everything. I have never paid attention, but you know, now that she has mentioned it - she does have a point. O K, I'm done. Back to The Name.
Z and I are total opposites. When we met, he was tall, but not tall enough to be lanky, at 6' and 175 lbs, a fair-skinned blond (I didn't know it was bleached out from all his perms), and a sexy little mustache. On the other hand, I am a shorty with then dark hair and olive complected and enough curves to have been considered meaty by some. (O K we are not total opposites as I also sport a little mustache, though it isn't generally considered sexy).
Here are SOME of the differences--
A- Z
Avid reader- Movie buff
Techno-phobe- Tech wienie
Food lover- Eats to live
Cars-transportation- Cars-the stuff of fantasy
I won't bore you further.
I think you get the picture.
Anyway, one of the most striking differences (and most hurtful for me) is that while Z isn't exactly an atheist, he has no interest in exploring or even admitting to the spiritual aspects of his existence. I don't know much, but I know I love Him, and I know that without Him, His Word, His Son, and His Spirit that I am only base chemicals, with base desires, selfish intentions, and a numb heart.
I have learned lately that putting the Word into action in my life in acts of obedience is helping to lessen the deadening my heart has experienced and He is binding together my heart and my mind to make me a complete person again.
There are scars though.
Aren't there always when a major surgery is involved? And the scars make me different from the person He created me to be, but He is able to use me nonetheless, so He gently keeps cleaning out the wounds, sewing, and binding them up- some that are self-inflicted for sure (ok most of them self-inflicted) and those that weren't.
I would love to be able to share this with Z, but for many reasons, I am not able to.
Z needs major surgery. His spirit is so depleted, and his attitude so defeated, it amazes me that he gets through the day. It amazes him too. But he is tired.
Of living.
And that scares me on so many levels. He is not actively seeking death, and he is not the adrenaline junkie he was when we first met, but in every other way possible he is trying to make sure he will not be around much longer. There are things from his past that I am certain have tainted his views, deadened his heart, and poisoned his hopes. But I know that doesn't make a difference, because my God cares, and He is able to take the pieces of what I, Z, or anyone else gives Him to gently recreate the person He created us to be in the first place, alive with joy and sorrow, overwhelmed with emotions long buried, but knowing this was part of the plan, and He is there close-by when it gets to be too much.
I pray one of these days I can talk to Z about these things that are on my heart and mind so much. The Alpha and Omega.
But we are opposites. Oil and water. Fire and ice. As A is to Z.
Hence, the Name.
A
The Name of the blog. All is explained (o k not all. There would be no reason to continue to blog if all was explained here and now and that would defeat the whole purpose I had in finally caving to blogging in the first place.). (Sorry, I got carried away.) Why am I apologizing!! It's my blog! My mom has recently brought to my attention that I apologize for everything. I have never paid attention, but you know, now that she has mentioned it - she does have a point. O K, I'm done. Back to The Name.
Z and I are total opposites. When we met, he was tall, but not tall enough to be lanky, at 6' and 175 lbs, a fair-skinned blond (I didn't know it was bleached out from all his perms), and a sexy little mustache. On the other hand, I am a shorty with then dark hair and olive complected and enough curves to have been considered meaty by some. (O K we are not total opposites as I also sport a little mustache, though it isn't generally considered sexy).
Here are SOME of the differences--
A- Z
Avid reader- Movie buff
Techno-phobe- Tech wienie
Food lover- Eats to live
Cars-transportation- Cars-the stuff of fantasy
I won't bore you further.
I think you get the picture.
Anyway, one of the most striking differences (and most hurtful for me) is that while Z isn't exactly an atheist, he has no interest in exploring or even admitting to the spiritual aspects of his existence. I don't know much, but I know I love Him, and I know that without Him, His Word, His Son, and His Spirit that I am only base chemicals, with base desires, selfish intentions, and a numb heart.
I have learned lately that putting the Word into action in my life in acts of obedience is helping to lessen the deadening my heart has experienced and He is binding together my heart and my mind to make me a complete person again.
There are scars though.
Aren't there always when a major surgery is involved? And the scars make me different from the person He created me to be, but He is able to use me nonetheless, so He gently keeps cleaning out the wounds, sewing, and binding them up- some that are self-inflicted for sure (ok most of them self-inflicted) and those that weren't.
I would love to be able to share this with Z, but for many reasons, I am not able to.
Z needs major surgery. His spirit is so depleted, and his attitude so defeated, it amazes me that he gets through the day. It amazes him too. But he is tired.
Of living.
And that scares me on so many levels. He is not actively seeking death, and he is not the adrenaline junkie he was when we first met, but in every other way possible he is trying to make sure he will not be around much longer. There are things from his past that I am certain have tainted his views, deadened his heart, and poisoned his hopes. But I know that doesn't make a difference, because my God cares, and He is able to take the pieces of what I, Z, or anyone else gives Him to gently recreate the person He created us to be in the first place, alive with joy and sorrow, overwhelmed with emotions long buried, but knowing this was part of the plan, and He is there close-by when it gets to be too much.
I pray one of these days I can talk to Z about these things that are on my heart and mind so much. The Alpha and Omega.
But we are opposites. Oil and water. Fire and ice. As A is to Z.
Hence, the Name.
A
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Creature of Habit
Z has always been a creature of habit. The Tuesday ritual when we first met was to frequent the Tuesday pizza buffet. Later on, we would get together to watch a favorite sci-fi show, etc., etc., etc.
Lately it is the $1.50 movie on Tuesday's, though recently the price was reduced to $1.00.
And lately I have been thinking about a poor lady at the church. She is a shut-in and lost her husband last year. She also just received an eviction notice. I was going to use my tithe to help her out, but I could not find the church directory for her information. And since it was to be an anonymous gift, I could not ask outright for her information either. I formulated a plan to get the information and knew it was forthcoming. In the meantime I called the bank for my balance. That was when I discovered my account balance was a total of $1.00. What is going on?!? I should have close to $1000.00!!! I called the automated line four times to make sure I heard it right, to see what had come through on the the account, and to see if there had been any holds placed against my balance by my creditors. I was too embarrassed to talk to a customer service rep, so I figured out how to set up the online banking, to view my transactions. All the transactions were correct and I found no mystery transactions.
Obviously this thwarted my plans. I called our daughter, who will be named MN for these purposes, and left her voice mail about the situation, asking her to refrain from writing checks until payday which is a week away. And wouldn't you know we needed gas for "The Big Honkin' Truck" and prices had gone from $3.09 that morning to $3.29.
I tried to IM Z to see how much cash he had on him but couldn't raise his attention. I finally decided to call, but didn't want to alarm him. I hate keeping stuff like this from him, but he didn't need to know until after work.
Later on I tried to touch base with MN to make sure she got my message. The call went to voice mail, so I just hung up. She called me right back though and the following ensued.
MN- "Hey! What's up?!"
A- "Just wanted to be sure you got my voice mail."
MN- "Yeah, I got it."
A- "Did you get the Mother's Day card I sent you?"
MN- "No, I haven't checked the mail."
A- "It was an e-card."
MN- "Oh, yes I got that one and I got the package you sent today. Thank you!"
A- "Your welcome. So- will you be OK 'til Tuesday?"
MN- "Yes, fine. Um, do you mind if I let you go? We are eating."
A- "No problem, I love you. Have a good evening." and going for the end button when I hear...
MN- "Wait!! Wait!!
A- "Yes?"
MN- "It's Tuesday. Why aren't you at the dollar movie?"
A- "BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY ONE FREAKING DOLLAR IN MY BANK ACCOUNT!!"
She is MY daughter.
As it turns out, we will be OK until Tuesday. I don't know about the lady at church.
A
Lately it is the $1.50 movie on Tuesday's, though recently the price was reduced to $1.00.
And lately I have been thinking about a poor lady at the church. She is a shut-in and lost her husband last year. She also just received an eviction notice. I was going to use my tithe to help her out, but I could not find the church directory for her information. And since it was to be an anonymous gift, I could not ask outright for her information either. I formulated a plan to get the information and knew it was forthcoming. In the meantime I called the bank for my balance. That was when I discovered my account balance was a total of $1.00. What is going on?!? I should have close to $1000.00!!! I called the automated line four times to make sure I heard it right, to see what had come through on the the account, and to see if there had been any holds placed against my balance by my creditors. I was too embarrassed to talk to a customer service rep, so I figured out how to set up the online banking, to view my transactions. All the transactions were correct and I found no mystery transactions.
Obviously this thwarted my plans. I called our daughter, who will be named MN for these purposes, and left her voice mail about the situation, asking her to refrain from writing checks until payday which is a week away. And wouldn't you know we needed gas for "The Big Honkin' Truck" and prices had gone from $3.09 that morning to $3.29.
I tried to IM Z to see how much cash he had on him but couldn't raise his attention. I finally decided to call, but didn't want to alarm him. I hate keeping stuff like this from him, but he didn't need to know until after work.
Later on I tried to touch base with MN to make sure she got my message. The call went to voice mail, so I just hung up. She called me right back though and the following ensued.
MN- "Hey! What's up?!"
A- "Just wanted to be sure you got my voice mail."
MN- "Yeah, I got it."
A- "Did you get the Mother's Day card I sent you?"
MN- "No, I haven't checked the mail."
A- "It was an e-card."
MN- "Oh, yes I got that one and I got the package you sent today. Thank you!"
A- "Your welcome. So- will you be OK 'til Tuesday?"
MN- "Yes, fine. Um, do you mind if I let you go? We are eating."
A- "No problem, I love you. Have a good evening." and going for the end button when I hear...
MN- "Wait!! Wait!!
A- "Yes?"
MN- "It's Tuesday. Why aren't you at the dollar movie?"
A- "BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY ONE FREAKING DOLLAR IN MY BANK ACCOUNT!!"
She is MY daughter.
As it turns out, we will be OK until Tuesday. I don't know about the lady at church.
A
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Diving In
A little behind the times, but I have finally done it.
Blogging that is.
Not that anyone will care but that is not the point.
My little corner of cyberspace to do with what I will.
A little scary- heck a lot scary.
Blogging that is.
Not that anyone will care but that is not the point.
My little corner of cyberspace to do with what I will.
A little scary- heck a lot scary.
Z doesn't care for bloggers. Too much #@&%!! I, on the other hand, enjoy reading about the lives of other people. Most of the time, I won't know if they are down the street or on the other side of the globe. It doesn't matter. They are people with the same struggles I have, who care for their families, who live with worry, fear, little joys and big challenges. It doesn't matter what the challenges are. They are challenges none the less. Cancer, substance abuse, sex addiction, disability, a horrid neighbor, co-worker, or boss. I could go on - but why. You know what your life is like and I know mine. You will also know mine through this blog and my prayer is that it will somehow help you with yours.
A
A
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